Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Retrogression

Call it what you will--backsliding, relapsing, falling off the wagon--but however you word it, it sucks. And I did it. Last night, I cut myself. I haven't done that in years and years. I don't know what brought me back to that point... yesterday was a shitty day, but I've had way worse. After work, I inexplicably flipped from anxious to angry. I wasn't angry about anything in particular... just vaguely angry. Perhaps, dwelling on the lack of control I have over myself and my life is what did it. Or maybe the outer pain was functioning as a distraction from the inner pain. I really don't know. It's a bit terrifying that you can do a thing (a bad and drastic thing, no less) without any conscious motivation. Talk about a lack of control. 😖

This morning, I feel frightened and ashamed. I'm worried about how to hide the cuts. Especially from the husband. I think he might get mad. And even if he were worried/sad instead of angry, I wouldn't know how to explain myself to him. He's the type of person who needs rational explanations for things. Any conversation with him about my emotional issues tends to be exhausting and not helpful for either of us. He's just not wired that way. And I'm a nut-job.

I was reading some articles on a BPD support blog yesterday and there was one that mentioned the tendency to self-harm... surely, especially since it wasn't new information to me, reading about that sort of thing wasn't enough to put the thought/urge in my head. Right? I don't think I'm that impressionable. And besides, it wasn't the first thing I'd read about self-harm since the last time I was cutting all those years ago.

But it does make me wonder: how do you tell the difference between addressing a problem/working through it and unhealthily swelling on negative thoughts/feelings. I know my doctor recommended me keeping a journal to 'get it all out' and whatnot, but what if all this self-examination is just making me focus too much on my illness? What if I'm just digging the hole deeper? No... surely I'd notice. Right? But then again, I'm not sure if I can tell that it's helping. Perhaps it's too soon to tell. Or maybe I'm not writing enough or as frequently as I ought to.

I just feel like total shit right now. I'm ashamed of what I did and I don't feel like there's anyone I can talk to about it. I don't want to call my therapist and make an extra appointment. Besides, what would I say to her that I haven't said here? I don't know why I did it. I feel terrible about it and I don't have any desire to keep doing it.

I feel lonely, but at the same time, I want to be alone right now. I want to get away, to be honest. From what and to where, I have no idea. I just need a break. From everything. A time-out, you know? Maybe I should at least take a day or two off work. Maybe that would be enough to help some.

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