Friday, December 1, 2017

Alcohol is Complicated

Seriously. There are so many bad things you can say about alcohol... its affects on your mind and your actions and your health. That it can become a crutch. That it really doesn't mix well with depression and/or mental health medications.

But, man. It can also be a gift. An escape from the inside of your head. A way to get a break from near-crippling anxiety.

The line, however, between loosening up and having a good time and potentially damaging yourself/being an idiot/ending up with a murderous emotional hangover...  that line is rather thin. And basically invisible when you're actually drinking. This can cause some problems. And frequently does, for me at least. Most of the time I'm fine and I can keep my drinking within reasonable limits. Sometimes though... I just lose control. I go way overboard. And this has two very shitty results: First, I always hate myself the next day. Like, more than usual. I feel ashamed and stupid. And second, it really, really upsets my husband. Which I understand. Because it's foolish and potentially dangerous. Also, because I apparently say really shitty stuff to him when I'm blackout drunk.

I did it last night. I don't know why. I don't even really know how.... I thought I was being pretty good about spacing out my drinks and everything. Maybe I didn't eat enough. Or maybe it's because the effects of alcohol can be a little unpredictable for a mentally unstable and heavily medicated person. Or maybe both. In any case, I screwed up. Again. And I feel horrible about it and about myself. Also, my husband is pretty upset with me... which always makes me feel worthless. I apologized, of course, but I know it will take him a while to get over it. I know this because, like I said, I've done this before. Because I am an asshat.

Sometimes I think that maybe I just shouldn't drink alcohol at all anymore. Because no matter how long I go doing just fine, I eventually have one of these episodes again. But then I think of all the times that I don't go overboard and how much fun my friends and I have knocking back a few beers and shooting the shit... and I don't want to not have those times. I like to cut loose and get silly from time to time. It's fun. It's therapeutic. But getting puking-blackout-drunk and calling your spouse nasty names is beyond shitty. For loads of reasons.

So, yeah. It's probably true that I shouldn't drink with the meds I'm on. And it's probably true that if I cannot consistently control my consumption (that was inadvertently weirdly alliterative) that I just shouldn't ever drink. That sounds like the most reasonable course of action.

It also sounds like a total bummer.

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