Wednesday, November 6, 2019

Why Don't I Like Anything?

I've been struggling lately. Early this year I got a new job--more focused work, better pay, etc. You'd think I'd be happy, but I'm really not. Like, soooo not.

I'm working in Indirect Procurement for a manufacturing company, so, basically, I buy all the things that don't go into production. I generate Purchase Orders, negotiate with suppliers, and research new suppliers as needed.

It's stressful.

It isn't particularly rewarding or fulfilling work.

I don't think I want to stay here...

But I don't know what I DO want to do.

I've been pouring over job ads for the past month and there really isn't anything that makes me think, "Wow! That would be a job I could actually enjoy doing." But shouldn't there be? I mean, maybe most people hate their jobs, but I can't function in a world where 40+ hours of my week are miserable. I'm not stout enough for that. And life is so short--why waste so much of your life doing something that means nothing to you? Something that is a drain on your spirit?

So, that brings me to my big question today: Why don't I like anything?

Everything sounds basically awful. Unlike my sister or my husband, I don't have some particular area of interest that I can pursue. There's nothing out there that I find particularly interesting. Is this just normal? Do I need my meds adjusted again?

What trait do I lack that allows other people to continue to work jobs that offer them no satisfaction? My co-workers don't seem to like their jobs any more than I do, but they don't appear to be having the same sort of existential crisis that I am. It's not that I'm lazy... I WANT to do something. I just can't figure out what the hell that 'something' is.

I have seen one job recently that I found sort of appealing: a freelance writer position. That sounds potentially interesting, but I'm afraid I don't have the background to actually get the job. I'm working on a cover letter... hopefully it will be awesome and convince them I'm the ideal candidate. I would get to research a wide variety of topics, work remotely, and make decent money. It could be the change I need. I guess we'll see what happens...

Friday, June 7, 2019

What is Success?

It sounds like a cheesy and cliché question, but I've been thinking a lot about it recently. Especially as it pertains to my career. Unlike Dr. Husband, I don't have a thing that I just LOVE and want to do for the rest of my life. I've had a number of jobs over the years in a variety of areas and I can't really say that any of them were 'fulfilling' at all. They were just things to do to make money so I could pay bills. I've liked some better than others, but there has been nothing that moves or inspires me. Sometimes I try to think of what I would do if I could do absolutely anything at all... like, what would I do if money were of no consequence? If location didn't matter? I honestly can't think of a thing.

Currently, I'm working in Procurement for a manufacturing company. We make 3D printers. So that's cool. But there's nothing about working in Procurement that I LOVE. Nothing that makes me jump out of bed in the morning ready to get to it. Maybe most people don't have that sort of thing. I don't know. But I do know that I want to have that. I mean, we pretty much spend the majority of our time at work, right? Shouldn't you love what you do? Or at least get some enjoyment out of it? I find myself mostly ambivalent about my work. Apathetic. Neutral on a good day. But for the life of me, I can't really think of something I would rather be doing for the rest of my life.

I've toyed with the idea of a job that would at least be less stressful... something less intense, where there's less pressure. That sounds appealing. But the only jobs I can think of that are little-to-no-stress are jobs that wouldn't pay worth a darn. Like working at a brewery. Or a bookshop. But the cut in pay would just cause a different kind of stress, wouldn't it?

Maybe it's selfish to want work that is inspiring and not stressful and whatever. I don't suppose most people have that sort of thing. Maybe no one does.

So here's the real question, I suppose: What would it take to make me happy?

And how much of my unhappiness is due to not having the appropriate medications versus something more like a character flaw? Does the constant channel-switching in my brain (ADHD) have anything to do with it? Is it standard with BPD? Maybe it's a little of all of the above.

Perhaps I should just sit down a make a list of all the things that do make me happy. Remind myself of them. Actively focus on the good things instead of dwelling on the icky bits. It's worth a shot.

Friday, May 31, 2019


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I haven't had a flare like this in ages. Everything hurts so much. I came into work, hoping to distract myself, but it isn't working. The pain is more distracting than the work. Not shocking, I suppose.

I slept 13 hours last night. And I'm still exhausted. I had even taken my sleep medication, which I thought would help me get a restorative sleep. No dice. Fibro is dumb.

Now, as I mentioned, I'm at work. And I keep having to explain to people why I look and feel like death. I don't care to share this sort of information about myself, but having to explain what Fibro is and how it works a billion times is a little wearing.

I'm probably just grumpy because I'm tired and hurting.

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Anyone out there have fibro? How do you deal with flares?

I mostly shut down and sleep (if I'm not at work). Sometimes stretching/yoga helps a little. Can't really do downward-facing dog at my desk though. Not without getting a lot of weird looks. Hooray open workspace.

My head is foggy. I'm sure this is just about the worst (and most boring) blog post I've done so far. And that's saying something. :P

Perhaps, once the pain subsides, I can write a legitimate post about the effects of Fibromyalgia.

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Tuesday, May 14, 2019

Functioning Poorly

Mental health issues are such a catch-22. Without the meds, I’m a hot mess. On the meds, I’m tired and apathetic. Perhaps it’s time to change my ‘cocktail’. But then again, the process of changing meds is a long and occasionally miserable one. And sometimes you have to repeat it several times before finding a new drug (or drugs) that actually work. I’m getting by okay these days, so it’s hard to get motivated to change anything. Of course, at the moment, it’s hard to get motivated to do much of anything most days. Even with my sleeping pills, I’m not waking up feeling like I’ve had anything even remotely close to a restful night’s sleep. I’m wrung out. Worn out.

It probably goes without saying, but being permanently tired and unmotivated is not helpful at work. I know I have loads I could be doing right now, but I just can’t make myself focus. To be honest, just writing this is a bit of a strain. I keep reminding myself that some days are better than others, but that doesn’t really help me in this moment. I don’t really figure anyone reads this, but if you do, do you have any experience with this sort of thing? Any suggestions? Tips for getting/staying motivated? Or do I really have to go through the medicine-changing process? Ugh. Maybe the improving weather will help. Maybe I’m being a doofus.

In other news, Dr. Husband and I are driving to TN after work this evening. Going to visit the fam and see my baby brother graduate. Should be a good time. If I can stay awake. :P

As usual, nothing particularly interesting to say, just trying to get back into the habit of regular writing.

Take care, friends. And remember:

Just relax into it…

Friday, May 10, 2019

Should be working...

... but I'm not.

To be fair, I've gotten so much done today that there really isn't much left for me to do. I guess I could work on one or more of my long-term projects, but it's Friday and I'm unmotivated.

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I've actually got plans this weekend: tomorrow afternoon is day drinking while doing arts and crafts with a buddy of mine (it's more fun than you'd think), tomorrow night is KARAOKE NIGHT! There's a whole bunch of us heading to the trashy little karaoke bar on the other side of town and I can hardly wait! For whatever reason, I LOVE going to karaoke bars even though I don't sing in public. It is usually just entertaining, but every once in awhile you get to see some random person with pretty impressive vocal talent. I love those moments... everybody sitting back drinking and singing along to some silly song like 'Friends in Low Places' and then the next thing you know, Whitney Houston's doppelganger steps up and knocks everyone's socks off. I think it's fabulous. And I'm always really happy for those regular-joe folks who have this thing that they can do that makes people stand up and applaud them. I think that we all need something like that. Unfortunately, I think these sorts of gifts are pretty uncommon.

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I've always wished I could sing. I mean, I can carry a tune, but that's not the same thing as REALLY being able to sing: to move people with your voice and emotion. I don't know if you can learn that part by taking singing lessons... plus I'd be too embarrassed to take singing lessons anyway. Singing feels very personal to me. It makes me feel super exposed. Naked, almost. Is that normal? I suppose not, or there wouldn't be karaoke bars, would there?

Nothing else to say, really.

Just relax into it...

Thursday, May 9, 2019

Overdue Update on All Things Me

So, I made the leap and took a new job. For the first time in nearly a decade I am working in the private sector. In a manufacturing company no less. The initial learning curve was somewhat steep (the number of acronyms alone was enough to make my head spin), but all is basically well now.

The overall mood here seems to be better than at the school I worked at previously, so that's a plus. On the other hand, the pressure to perform is a lot higher. Oddly enough though, there's very little competition between the folks in my department. With one exception. We'll call him Frank.

To give you an idea, Frank is a bit like a used car salesman on meth. He is LOUD. He almost never stops talking. And usually the subject matter is how awesome he is and all the amazing things he did at other companies before coming here. I'm sure you've met one of these guys. In fact, our current President bears a striking resemblance to Frank... and they are equally full of bull shit. To be fair to Frank though, he is generally a nice (if not sincere) guy. However, he recently attempted to take over (and take credit for) one of my cost savings projects. He had the nerve to invite not only me, but our Director (we'll call him Tony) to the meeting with the affected department... I was flabbergasted. Frank KNOWS I've been working on this. We've had conversations about it. And then there he was, bold as brass, introducing everyone to 'his plan'. What. A. Dick. I endeavored to make it clear, without sounding like a whiny-ass, that I had already put these particular wheels in motion weeks ago. Hopefully, Tony understood what was happening. Perhaps I should have a chat with Tony to make sure he's aware...

...Or will I sound childish?

'This project was MINE! I'm the one who came up with the IDEA! MY IDEA! MY IDEA! WAAAHHHHH!'

I suppose it's all in the approach and the phrasing.

Any of you have a similar experience? Any idea about what the best way to deal with it is? I had considered just being the bigger person and joining forces, so to speak, with Frank. Whatever. We'll just tag-team the project.

But it's MINE.

It doesn't help things that we have an open-style work environment and his loud-ass-self sits right behind me. He's so LOUD. And half of what he yammers on about makes no sense. Seriously. None.

Thankfully, I have a very nice pair of work-issued headphones... most of the time I just crank my music and pretend he isn't there.

And he says the weirdest shit on phone meetings... everything from 'winner winner chicken dinner' to 'I'm gonna need to take a potty break'.

I mean... what the hell, dude?

In other news, I'm now working on my MBA. Taking classes AND working full-time is a royal pain, but the additional degree will be helpful for moving onward and upward in the company. It was especially hard in the fall semester because of some familial issues I had to deal with... then it was extra sucky in the spring semester because I was working two jobs and taking classes. Hopefully, moving forward, it will be a little less ridiculous.My meds can barely handle me on a normal day--I don't need huge waves of excess stress. Makes me unstable. And weepy.

Dr. Husband is doing well. Recently got tenure at the university, so that's groovy. And he's still putting up with all my shenanigans, so that's a good thing. :)

Went on a 'girls trip' a couple weeks back to the mountains. It was a hoot... even if it did involve a lot of shopping (which is NOT my thing). I also learned that I can twerk upside down. Don't ask. Anyway, it was fun, if not a little weird. I've never really had a close group of girl friends in the past; I usually hung out with the guys. But, somehow, I have acquired a group of badass females to run with. We go to trivia on Tuesday nights and we all meet up at the Mexican restaurant for lunch every Thursday. One Thursday, the lady lawyer in our group (we'll call her Tiffany) was explaining how a difficult situation is like being chocked--you just have to relax into it. For whatever reason, everyone at the table took this as a dirty comment and fell out laughing all over the place. I think I know what she was trying to say... but it was kinda hilarious. Lots of questions about what she and her husband had been up to lately... Sometimes we drink a little at lunch. This amuses me. This weekend, I have arranged a karaoke night at a local karaoke bar--it should be hilarious. :)

I don't suppose this has been a very entertaining post, but since I hadn't been on here in forever, I thought I'd just give you a broad-brush overview of what's been going on.

So yeah. Thanks for stopping by and remember: Just relax into it.

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Life, Work, and Belated Blog Posts

So, it's been a minute since I posted. I guess that's usually the case, though, isn't it? I don't suppose it really matters since it's not like I have established readers waiting with bated breath for my next random and rambling post. :P

Anyway. Christmas was good. New Year's was fun. Nothing really worth reporting. Back to work on the 2nd and things here are mostly the same as ever. Minus the fact that a lady in my department has decided to say somewhat unflattering things about me (and my trustworthiness) behind my back. At first I was angry. REALLY angry. Like, blasting-'Break Stuff'-by-Limp-Bizkit-on-repeat-angry. That only lasted for about a day. Then I got a little paranoid... like WHY would she think bad things about me? DID I do or say something that would be interpreted as dishonest? Why (and about what) is she so bothered that she would make a not-so-veiled comment about me in her department's morning meeting? Do other people see me that way?

Now, it's Monday and I've stewed a bit over the weekend. I'm pretty sure I haven't said or done anything to warrant this lady's poopiness. I talked to a couple of discrete and honest folk that I know down the hall to see if the version of the story I heard was even true... it was. And then it hit. Attack of The Sad. And of The Hurt. And I started crying. Which was embarrassing. My colleagues assured me it wasn't a big deal and that I shouldn't let it get to me. But, HELLO!, people with Borderline Personality Disorder are known for having Rejection Sensitivity, low self-esteem, and fear of abandonment, for wanting everyone to like them, and for feeling like the world is ending and they're a worthless person if they even just 'perceive' some sort of dislike or rejection. And this is like, REAL dislike and/or rejection. And it feels like dying. Even though I know I did nothing wrong and I know that the rest of my colleagues don't think I did anything wrong either... that this one person feels this way about me or is trying to sabotage me or whatever.... it hurts. Bad. I feel worthless. Like no matter how hard I try it just doesn't matter. It's like being heartbroken... dumped by your long-term significant other; except in this case the long-term significant other is some lady that I only interact with from time to time because we work in different areas. Why do I care so much about what this person thinks or says? I mean, she'd always seemed nice enough, but it's not like we were close or anything. I don't know. It just sucks. And people are dumb.

In other news, the weather the past couple days has been lovely. Prone to SAD, I don't do so great during the cold and gray winter months--but over the weekend the sky was clear and the temperature went up quite a bit from what it had been. It was LOVELY. I think the fact that I was able to enjoy it despite what I found out at work on Friday (see paragraph above) means that we've really got to a good place with my meds. Sure, I got upset. And, yes, today I cried. But this stuff hasn't derailed my life. I didn't spend the whole weekend in bed or on the couch because I couldn't bear to do anything. So, yeah. Good stuff.

That's all I've got for now. Peace, y'all.