Monday, April 24, 2017

Motivation or lack thereof

I've found myself repeating the same sort of thing over and over in various conversations lately:

I just need to locate some motivation.

I don't know why I'm so unmotivated lately.

Heck, I can't even get motivated to watch TV--and that's what a person does when they have no motivation!

Why am I so unmotivated lately?

Now, all this could be just a product of needing my meds adjusted or something, but it's caused me to spend a fair bit of time just contemplating motivation; what it is, where it comes from, if all sources of motivation are healthy (or at least healthier than total apathy), whether just being 'generally motivated' is possible or if one can only be motivated for or toward particular things. Certainly, there are times when I've been very motivated to go for a hike and not very motivated to clean house. But there have also been times when I felt what I would call 'generally motivated'--up for doing both the things that I want to do and the things that I need to do. Are normal people more likely to have this general sort of motivation? Even if somewhat begrudgingly?


So, as often happens, I have begun a post on one day and then come back to it later. At this point, I'm feeling a tiny bit more motivated than last week, but not much. But I'm definitely out of whatever motivation I had to contemplate motivation in any philosophical sort of way. So you lucked out there.


The husband and I flew back home for his little brother's wedding over the weekend. It was a truly lovely (and mercifully short) ceremony followed by a full dinner, music/dancing, and an open bar. I had Woodford and coke. It was good times.

This post is going absolutely nowhere. I'm gonna go ahead and cut my losses...

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Dinner and a show; the weirdness one can see from the deli

On Monday, the deli manager for the evening shift glanced out the window and saw something both horrible and fabulous: his customers were being treated to a streaker show that started across the street at the University. It happened like this (and it's worth noting that the deli has basically floor to ceiling un-shaded windows facing both the main street/campus and the parking lot):

A young man walks out of the dorm across the street and starts wandering around the building... bare-ass naked. He feels and hugs the wall of the building. He's definitely tripping balls. Two other guys walk out of the building carrying some clothes and shoes. The abandoned coverings of their apparent friend. They see their naked buddy and attempt to catch up with him. He isn't having it. He runs flat-out across the main road; heading right for the deli. Naked man then proceeds to do a couple laps around the deli and the GM poked his head out and had the following exchange with him:

"Whatchya' doin' buddy?", asked the GM.

"GOIN' FOR A RUN!", replied naked guy, without losing speed.

"Okay then..."

Naked guy ultimately continued down the street and it took a number of cop cars and about an hour and a half to catch and remove him.

This is only one of many interesting shows that the diners at the deli have been treated to. There was also:

1. Puppy getting hit by car and sobbing women holding said dying puppy and wailing
2. Man dragging small daughter down the street on a dog leash (deli workers called the cops).
3. Girl getting T-boned pulling out of the parking lot and the following field sobriety test, conducted about three feet from of of the deli windows, because she was quite drunk. (I want to point out here that she did not get drunk at the deli... the staff would not load someone up and then let them drive. She had come in that way and they thought she was on foot because she lives right down the street.) One patron said of the event, "Man! I didn't know lunch here came with a free live show of COPS!"
4. An 'initiation' celebration by the local Red Hat club... 15 women (several were octogenarians) in crazy garb, with wands, singing 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun'. (I really wish I had been there for this one)

So there you have it, not only does the deli have great food, craft beer, and trivia night, but it also has loads of local color! Ha!

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

I'm no good at this

So, because insurance companies tend to, well, suck eggs, I had to go without my Adderall for about a week. I probably don't need to tell you what a mess I was... suffice it to say, I was rocking back at forth between exhausted and SQUIRREL!!!! at a rather alarming rate. I also could not get myself to sit down and write in this blog at all. Of course, if you're watching the dates on these posts then you'll already have noticed that it's been somewhat more than a week since I posted anything... Turns out this journaling thing is harder to keep up with than I initially anticipated. Most days, I just don't feel like I have anything to say. In this age of social media, however, it seems like EVERYONE  always has SOMETHING to say... so maybe I'm just not trying hard enough. Or I'm overthinking it. Or maybe most of the stuff people say isn't actually worth saying.

But who am I to say?


Did you see what I did there? :P


I've been trying to read more this year. I mean, I generally read a fair bit, but I'm trying to really up my numbers. Mostly because I got sucked into a 'reading challenge 2017' sort of thing by some friends. So far this year I've read (or re-read):

The Handmaid's Tale
Slaughterhouse 5
The Screwtape Letters
Girl, Interrupted
Interview with the Vampire
And the Hippos Were Boiled in Their Tanks
The Last Girls
Good Omens
Crime and Punishment
The Perks of Being a Wallflower

And I'm currently reading Contact by Carl Sagan. And no, I don't have anything even close to resembling a social life.

I'll leave you, for now, with another Joke of the Week from the deli:

Q: Why doesn't a pencil have an eraser at both ends?
A: Because there'd be no point!

You're welcome. :P

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

I hadn't noticed...

So, I told you about my apartment not being particularly nice, right? Yeah. I noticed last night that there is a hair painted into the outside of our bathroom door upstairs. I've lived here a few years and somehow never noticed it before. But I suppose most folks don't spend a lot of time staring at the outside of their bathroom door. Especially if they have 2 bathrooms. I stood there and stared at it for what was probably a strange amount of time, but I couldn't help myself. Whose hair was it? Was it the person painting? Was it someone else, a cleaner or something, who came through while the paint was still wet? What color had it been before being painted white?

I can't even begin to explain why I was so entranced by this stupid hair. Maybe I should have been grossed out by it or aggravated by the shoddy paint work... but I was just weirdly curious. Perhaps this says something about me. Perhaps, that I am so closely examining the fact that I examined the hair says even more.

Image result for what the fuck is that meme

Also, the bags under my eyes aren't as big as they used to be. I'm not sure when this happened. I just noticed it while looking at an old picture on FaceBook. It makes no sense, really, because I certainly don't sleep any better than I did before. And I don't think I'm considerably less stressed or any better hydrated. It just sort of happened. I suppose this is a good thing, but I don't find myself particularly excited about it. Probably because I still consider the rest of my face to be a bit of a train wreck. I suppose I could wear makeup... that might help. But it's just such a pain to deal with. And it's expensive. And I just feel like I shouldn't have to cover my face in order to be okay with it. Even if it's the way I feel. Thoughts?

This may just be the most bizarre and boring blog post in the history of history... but I'm supposed to write even when I feel I don't have anything to say...

So, yeah, my apologies. I'll try to be more interesting next time.


Thursday night is trivia night at the deli. I go every week. Team or no team. I don't know why I like it so much. But it's always a blast. Part of it probably has to do with the guys who run trivia night- they are hilarious. And part of it probably has to do with me being a big 'ole geek. And, perhaps, part of it has to do with it being $1 PBR night.  ;)

It's good times.

Well, I figure at this point it might be advisable to give you a little information on myself... If you're reading this then you ought to have a little idea up front of what type of crazy I am. Besides, as I've said, my therapist recommended 'journaling', so it might be a good idea to give a little time to my madness. ;)

I have ADD (formerly ADHD) and Borderline Personality Disorder. The National Institute of Mental Health defines BPD as "a serious mental disorder marked by a pattern of ongoing instability in moods, behavior, self-image, and functioning. These experiences often result in impulsive actions and unstable relationships. A person with BPD may experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last from only a few hours to days." I have a seriously distorted and unstable self-image/sense of self, I have abandonment issues, crazy mood swings that can come and go in a matter of hours or even minutes, I struggle almost daily with feelings of emptiness and lack of purpose (sometimes even lack of self... that one's a little hard to describe), and occasionally I have massive dissociative events (these are related to the lack of self thing). The NIMH also says that studies show that folks with BPD may see anger in an emotionally neutral face and have a stronger reaction to words with negative meanings than people who do not have the disorder. That is definitely true. So, yeah, not super fun. I manage though. And we've just about got my medication cocktail sorted, which helps immensely.

I suppose I should tell you about how these symptoms reveal themselves in my daily life, specific issues, events, etc. Hmmm. Maybe tomorrow.