Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Life, Work, and Belated Blog Posts

So, it's been a minute since I posted. I guess that's usually the case, though, isn't it? I don't suppose it really matters since it's not like I have established readers waiting with bated breath for my next random and rambling post. :P

Anyway. Christmas was good. New Year's was fun. Nothing really worth reporting. Back to work on the 2nd and things here are mostly the same as ever. Minus the fact that a lady in my department has decided to say somewhat unflattering things about me (and my trustworthiness) behind my back. At first I was angry. REALLY angry. Like, blasting-'Break Stuff'-by-Limp-Bizkit-on-repeat-angry. That only lasted for about a day. Then I got a little paranoid... like WHY would she think bad things about me? DID I do or say something that would be interpreted as dishonest? Why (and about what) is she so bothered that she would make a not-so-veiled comment about me in her department's morning meeting? Do other people see me that way?

Now, it's Monday and I've stewed a bit over the weekend. I'm pretty sure I haven't said or done anything to warrant this lady's poopiness. I talked to a couple of discrete and honest folk that I know down the hall to see if the version of the story I heard was even true... it was. And then it hit. Attack of The Sad. And of The Hurt. And I started crying. Which was embarrassing. My colleagues assured me it wasn't a big deal and that I shouldn't let it get to me. But, HELLO!, people with Borderline Personality Disorder are known for having Rejection Sensitivity, low self-esteem, and fear of abandonment, for wanting everyone to like them, and for feeling like the world is ending and they're a worthless person if they even just 'perceive' some sort of dislike or rejection. And this is like, REAL dislike and/or rejection. And it feels like dying. Even though I know I did nothing wrong and I know that the rest of my colleagues don't think I did anything wrong either... that this one person feels this way about me or is trying to sabotage me or whatever.... it hurts. Bad. I feel worthless. Like no matter how hard I try it just doesn't matter. It's like being heartbroken... dumped by your long-term significant other; except in this case the long-term significant other is some lady that I only interact with from time to time because we work in different areas. Why do I care so much about what this person thinks or says? I mean, she'd always seemed nice enough, but it's not like we were close or anything. I don't know. It just sucks. And people are dumb.


In other news, the weather the past couple days has been lovely. Prone to SAD, I don't do so great during the cold and gray winter months--but over the weekend the sky was clear and the temperature went up quite a bit from what it had been. It was LOVELY. I think the fact that I was able to enjoy it despite what I found out at work on Friday (see paragraph above) means that we've really got to a good place with my meds. Sure, I got upset. And, yes, today I cried. But this stuff hasn't derailed my life. I didn't spend the whole weekend in bed or on the couch because I couldn't bear to do anything. So, yeah. Good stuff.

That's all I've got for now. Peace, y'all.