Friday, June 7, 2019

What is Success?

It sounds like a cheesy and cliché question, but I've been thinking a lot about it recently. Especially as it pertains to my career. Unlike Dr. Husband, I don't have a thing that I just LOVE and want to do for the rest of my life. I've had a number of jobs over the years in a variety of areas and I can't really say that any of them were 'fulfilling' at all. They were just things to do to make money so I could pay bills. I've liked some better than others, but there has been nothing that moves or inspires me. Sometimes I try to think of what I would do if I could do absolutely anything at all... like, what would I do if money were of no consequence? If location didn't matter? I honestly can't think of a thing.

Currently, I'm working in Procurement for a manufacturing company. We make 3D printers. So that's cool. But there's nothing about working in Procurement that I LOVE. Nothing that makes me jump out of bed in the morning ready to get to it. Maybe most people don't have that sort of thing. I don't know. But I do know that I want to have that. I mean, we pretty much spend the majority of our time at work, right? Shouldn't you love what you do? Or at least get some enjoyment out of it? I find myself mostly ambivalent about my work. Apathetic. Neutral on a good day. But for the life of me, I can't really think of something I would rather be doing for the rest of my life.

I've toyed with the idea of a job that would at least be less stressful... something less intense, where there's less pressure. That sounds appealing. But the only jobs I can think of that are little-to-no-stress are jobs that wouldn't pay worth a darn. Like working at a brewery. Or a bookshop. But the cut in pay would just cause a different kind of stress, wouldn't it?

Maybe it's selfish to want work that is inspiring and not stressful and whatever. I don't suppose most people have that sort of thing. Maybe no one does.

So here's the real question, I suppose: What would it take to make me happy?

And how much of my unhappiness is due to not having the appropriate medications versus something more like a character flaw? Does the constant channel-switching in my brain (ADHD) have anything to do with it? Is it standard with BPD? Maybe it's a little of all of the above.

Perhaps I should just sit down a make a list of all the things that do make me happy. Remind myself of them. Actively focus on the good things instead of dwelling on the icky bits. It's worth a shot.

Friday, May 31, 2019


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I haven't had a flare like this in ages. Everything hurts so much. I came into work, hoping to distract myself, but it isn't working. The pain is more distracting than the work. Not shocking, I suppose.

I slept 13 hours last night. And I'm still exhausted. I had even taken my sleep medication, which I thought would help me get a restorative sleep. No dice. Fibro is dumb.

Now, as I mentioned, I'm at work. And I keep having to explain to people why I look and feel like death. I don't care to share this sort of information about myself, but having to explain what Fibro is and how it works a billion times is a little wearing.

I'm probably just grumpy because I'm tired and hurting.

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Anyone out there have fibro? How do you deal with flares?

I mostly shut down and sleep (if I'm not at work). Sometimes stretching/yoga helps a little. Can't really do downward-facing dog at my desk though. Not without getting a lot of weird looks. Hooray open workspace.

My head is foggy. I'm sure this is just about the worst (and most boring) blog post I've done so far. And that's saying something. :P

Perhaps, once the pain subsides, I can write a legitimate post about the effects of Fibromyalgia.

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Tuesday, May 14, 2019

Functioning Poorly

Mental health issues are such a catch-22. Without the meds, I’m a hot mess. On the meds, I’m tired and apathetic. Perhaps it’s time to change my ‘cocktail’. But then again, the process of changing meds is a long and occasionally miserable one. And sometimes you have to repeat it several times before finding a new drug (or drugs) that actually work. I’m getting by okay these days, so it’s hard to get motivated to change anything. Of course, at the moment, it’s hard to get motivated to do much of anything most days. Even with my sleeping pills, I’m not waking up feeling like I’ve had anything even remotely close to a restful night’s sleep. I’m wrung out. Worn out.

It probably goes without saying, but being permanently tired and unmotivated is not helpful at work. I know I have loads I could be doing right now, but I just can’t make myself focus. To be honest, just writing this is a bit of a strain. I keep reminding myself that some days are better than others, but that doesn’t really help me in this moment. I don’t really figure anyone reads this, but if you do, do you have any experience with this sort of thing? Any suggestions? Tips for getting/staying motivated? Or do I really have to go through the medicine-changing process? Ugh. Maybe the improving weather will help. Maybe I’m being a doofus.

In other news, Dr. Husband and I are driving to TN after work this evening. Going to visit the fam and see my baby brother graduate. Should be a good time. If I can stay awake. :P

As usual, nothing particularly interesting to say, just trying to get back into the habit of regular writing.

Take care, friends. And remember:

Just relax into it…

Friday, May 10, 2019

Should be working...

... but I'm not.

To be fair, I've gotten so much done today that there really isn't much left for me to do. I guess I could work on one or more of my long-term projects, but it's Friday and I'm unmotivated.

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I've actually got plans this weekend: tomorrow afternoon is day drinking while doing arts and crafts with a buddy of mine (it's more fun than you'd think), tomorrow night is KARAOKE NIGHT! There's a whole bunch of us heading to the trashy little karaoke bar on the other side of town and I can hardly wait! For whatever reason, I LOVE going to karaoke bars even though I don't sing in public. It is usually just entertaining, but every once in awhile you get to see some random person with pretty impressive vocal talent. I love those moments... everybody sitting back drinking and singing along to some silly song like 'Friends in Low Places' and then the next thing you know, Whitney Houston's doppelganger steps up and knocks everyone's socks off. I think it's fabulous. And I'm always really happy for those regular-joe folks who have this thing that they can do that makes people stand up and applaud them. I think that we all need something like that. Unfortunately, I think these sorts of gifts are pretty uncommon.

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I've always wished I could sing. I mean, I can carry a tune, but that's not the same thing as REALLY being able to sing: to move people with your voice and emotion. I don't know if you can learn that part by taking singing lessons... plus I'd be too embarrassed to take singing lessons anyway. Singing feels very personal to me. It makes me feel super exposed. Naked, almost. Is that normal? I suppose not, or there wouldn't be karaoke bars, would there?

Nothing else to say, really.

Just relax into it...

Thursday, May 9, 2019

Overdue Update on All Things Me

So, I made the leap and took a new job. For the first time in nearly a decade I am working in the private sector. In a manufacturing company no less. The initial learning curve was somewhat steep (the number of acronyms alone was enough to make my head spin), but all is basically well now.

The overall mood here seems to be better than at the school I worked at previously, so that's a plus. On the other hand, the pressure to perform is a lot higher. Oddly enough though, there's very little competition between the folks in my department. With one exception. We'll call him Frank.

To give you an idea, Frank is a bit like a used car salesman on meth. He is LOUD. He almost never stops talking. And usually the subject matter is how awesome he is and all the amazing things he did at other companies before coming here. I'm sure you've met one of these guys. In fact, our current President bears a striking resemblance to Frank... and they are equally full of bull shit. To be fair to Frank though, he is generally a nice (if not sincere) guy. However, he recently attempted to take over (and take credit for) one of my cost savings projects. He had the nerve to invite not only me, but our Director (we'll call him Tony) to the meeting with the affected department... I was flabbergasted. Frank KNOWS I've been working on this. We've had conversations about it. And then there he was, bold as brass, introducing everyone to 'his plan'. What. A. Dick. I endeavored to make it clear, without sounding like a whiny-ass, that I had already put these particular wheels in motion weeks ago. Hopefully, Tony understood what was happening. Perhaps I should have a chat with Tony to make sure he's aware...

...Or will I sound childish?

'This project was MINE! I'm the one who came up with the IDEA! MY IDEA! MY IDEA! WAAAHHHHH!'

I suppose it's all in the approach and the phrasing.

Any of you have a similar experience? Any idea about what the best way to deal with it is? I had considered just being the bigger person and joining forces, so to speak, with Frank. Whatever. We'll just tag-team the project.

But it's MINE.

It doesn't help things that we have an open-style work environment and his loud-ass-self sits right behind me. He's so LOUD. And half of what he yammers on about makes no sense. Seriously. None.

Thankfully, I have a very nice pair of work-issued headphones... most of the time I just crank my music and pretend he isn't there.

And he says the weirdest shit on phone meetings... everything from 'winner winner chicken dinner' to 'I'm gonna need to take a potty break'.

I mean... what the hell, dude?

In other news, I'm now working on my MBA. Taking classes AND working full-time is a royal pain, but the additional degree will be helpful for moving onward and upward in the company. It was especially hard in the fall semester because of some familial issues I had to deal with... then it was extra sucky in the spring semester because I was working two jobs and taking classes. Hopefully, moving forward, it will be a little less ridiculous.My meds can barely handle me on a normal day--I don't need huge waves of excess stress. Makes me unstable. And weepy.

Dr. Husband is doing well. Recently got tenure at the university, so that's groovy. And he's still putting up with all my shenanigans, so that's a good thing. :)

Went on a 'girls trip' a couple weeks back to the mountains. It was a hoot... even if it did involve a lot of shopping (which is NOT my thing). I also learned that I can twerk upside down. Don't ask. Anyway, it was fun, if not a little weird. I've never really had a close group of girl friends in the past; I usually hung out with the guys. But, somehow, I have acquired a group of badass females to run with. We go to trivia on Tuesday nights and we all meet up at the Mexican restaurant for lunch every Thursday. One Thursday, the lady lawyer in our group (we'll call her Tiffany) was explaining how a difficult situation is like being chocked--you just have to relax into it. For whatever reason, everyone at the table took this as a dirty comment and fell out laughing all over the place. I think I know what she was trying to say... but it was kinda hilarious. Lots of questions about what she and her husband had been up to lately... Sometimes we drink a little at lunch. This amuses me. This weekend, I have arranged a karaoke night at a local karaoke bar--it should be hilarious. :)

I don't suppose this has been a very entertaining post, but since I hadn't been on here in forever, I thought I'd just give you a broad-brush overview of what's been going on.

So yeah. Thanks for stopping by and remember: Just relax into it.