Friday, June 7, 2019

What is Success?

It sounds like a cheesy and cliché question, but I've been thinking a lot about it recently. Especially as it pertains to my career. Unlike Dr. Husband, I don't have a thing that I just LOVE and want to do for the rest of my life. I've had a number of jobs over the years in a variety of areas and I can't really say that any of them were 'fulfilling' at all. They were just things to do to make money so I could pay bills. I've liked some better than others, but there has been nothing that moves or inspires me. Sometimes I try to think of what I would do if I could do absolutely anything at all... like, what would I do if money were of no consequence? If location didn't matter? I honestly can't think of a thing.

Currently, I'm working in Procurement for a manufacturing company. We make 3D printers. So that's cool. But there's nothing about working in Procurement that I LOVE. Nothing that makes me jump out of bed in the morning ready to get to it. Maybe most people don't have that sort of thing. I don't know. But I do know that I want to have that. I mean, we pretty much spend the majority of our time at work, right? Shouldn't you love what you do? Or at least get some enjoyment out of it? I find myself mostly ambivalent about my work. Apathetic. Neutral on a good day. But for the life of me, I can't really think of something I would rather be doing for the rest of my life.

I've toyed with the idea of a job that would at least be less stressful... something less intense, where there's less pressure. That sounds appealing. But the only jobs I can think of that are little-to-no-stress are jobs that wouldn't pay worth a darn. Like working at a brewery. Or a bookshop. But the cut in pay would just cause a different kind of stress, wouldn't it?

Maybe it's selfish to want work that is inspiring and not stressful and whatever. I don't suppose most people have that sort of thing. Maybe no one does.

So here's the real question, I suppose: What would it take to make me happy?

And how much of my unhappiness is due to not having the appropriate medications versus something more like a character flaw? Does the constant channel-switching in my brain (ADHD) have anything to do with it? Is it standard with BPD? Maybe it's a little of all of the above.

Perhaps I should just sit down a make a list of all the things that do make me happy. Remind myself of them. Actively focus on the good things instead of dwelling on the icky bits. It's worth a shot.